Funny Jokes, Farmer Jokes, Snail Jokes, Cheating Jokes

Jokes – The Snail Joke

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”.

The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?”

The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”

Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say “Wow! Look at that S-car go!”

Jokes – The Farmer Joke

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

Jokes – Cheating Husband Joke

A blonde desides to go home early to surprize her husband, so she went into the bedroom to get freshened up.

She gets in the bedroom and there’s her husband in bed with another women! She went right over to her husbands drawer and pulled out his gun and put it to her own head.

Her husband started cracking up! The blonde said, “What are you laughing at you’re next!”

Jokes – Good Excuse – Submitted by George

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Jokes – No Excuses

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, except a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”

Jokes – Tickle Me Elmo Joke – Submitted by Carol

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Cindy is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Cindy surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Cindy.

I’m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Jokes – Invisible Woman – Submitted by Susan

How do we know the invisible woman has no children? Because she’s not apparent.