Jokes - Funny Jokes & Quotes

Tiny Little Leprechaun

Irish Jokes

One day a tired old Irishman walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a pint of beer. Just as he is about to grab his pint, a tiny little leprechaun about a foot tall comes running out of nowhere stands on top of his pint, urinates in it, snickers, runs and hides. The tired old lad says, “Don’t worry about it, I will pay for it. Just pour me another pint” Confused, the bartender pours him another pint. Just as he is about to lift his pint, a leprechaun about a foot tall comes running out of nowhere kicks his pint over, snickers, runs and hides. The tired old lad says, “Don’t worry about it, I will pay for the damages. Just pour me another pint” As the bartender is pouring him another pint, he asks,”I know it’s none of my business but what the fook is going on here?” The tired old Irishmen says, “Last week I was stranded on this deserted island, I looked over and saw a magic lamp. So I picked it up and rubbed it and low and behold a genie popped out and granted me one wish. So I wished for what any normal guy would wish for a 12 inch prick and look what the fook I got!!!”

Submitted by Marty Sullivan…Cheers Marty Be {careful} what you wish for!

Dirty Little Johnny Jokes

Super Funny Drty Little Johnny Joke

One day when Little Johnny was in 1st grade, his teacher ask all the kids to come up with a word for the letter of the alphabet that she gave them. Suzy had the letter A. She said apple. Jim had the letter B. He came up with Boy. Then it got to Little Johnny. He had W. The teacher said to Johnny, nothing dirty Little Johnny. He said womb. The teacher said “Very good Little Johnny like where babies come from. Little Johnny said “No, Like to elephants fuckin, Womb Womb Womb.

Dirty Little Johnny Joke Submitted by T-Mac

Irish Drinking Jokes

Funny Irish Drinking Pic

One day Paddy walks into the bar and orders a pint. As he is drinking his beer he notices the 10 O’Clock news is on and there is a man on top of a building looking like he is ready to jump…The bartender turns to Paddy and says, “I’ll bet you 10 bucks he jumps” and Paddy says, “I’ll bet you 10 bucks he doesn’t” sure enough the guy jumps. Just as Paddy reaches in his pocket for 10 bucks the bartender stops Paddy and says “Look Paddy I can’t take your money” I have a confession to make “I saw the 6 O’Clock news I new the guy was going to jump” to that Paddy responds “I saw the 6 O’Clock news too. But I never thought he do it again!”

Submitted by Marty Sullivan … Cheers Marty!

Little Johnny & Little April Joke

Funny Little Johnny Joke

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school usually she slept through the class One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ‘JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F-ing THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASs!”

The Teacher fainted.

Submitted by Andrew Golding

Little Johnny

Little Johnny accidentally walked in on his parents doing ‘it’. The next morning he asked his Mom ” What were you doing to Dad last night?” She thought for a while and finally said “I was flattening him out.” He started laughing and finally said, “That’s kind of pointless because every Thursday while you’re in town the neighbor lady comes and blows him back up.”

Submitted by Tina Fehr

Funny Mexican Jokes

Mexican Jokes

Funny Mexican & Latino Jokes

Funny Mexican Joke About Ladies Night Club

The other day, my comadres and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the muchachas wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulledout a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, La Flaca licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek? eeeeeee!

Not to be outdone, my other comadre, La Sandra, pulls out a $20 bill.

Chiflando, she calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and sticks it to his other butt cheek, actually rubs it on. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, Terry, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over and licks the bill (licks the bill a lot, and slowly). I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy then gyrates over to me! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me, and the guy’s egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. WHAT COULD I DO? Then “la mujer del barrio” in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home!

Submitted by Linda Sanchez…Thanks Linda!

Funny Mexican Joke – Latino Couple

This Latino couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although he was very much in love, couldn’t wait to go into town and party with his old buddies, so he said to his wife:

“Preciosa, I’ll be right back….”
“Where are you going papi chulo….? asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Mamasita. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife says to him, “You want a beer, mi amor…..?” Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: “Mira papi, Germany, Holland, Japan, India…..”

The husband doesn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is:
“Yes mi mujer linda…. but the bar… you know…. the frozen glass….” He didn’t finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, mi precioso….?” She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale says:
“Yes, mi dulce, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious….I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise, OK….?” “You want hors d’oeuvres,carino..?” She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But querida…..at the bar….you know….the swearing….the dirty words and all that….”

“You want dirty words, mi macho hombre…..

HERE, TOMA TU FUCKING CERVEZA IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING COPA AND COMETE TUS FUCKING SNACKS, PORQUE YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE!!!!! GOT IT, PENDEJO……?!?!?!?”

Submitted by Linda Sanchez…Thanks Linda!

MORE MEXICAN JOKES

Yo Mama So Fat

Yo Mama so fat when they put her in the ocean the whales started singing “We are Family”.

Submitted by Gracie

Yo Mama So Fat Joke

Yo Momma Jokes

Yo Momma Jokes Submitted by Taylor Kerekes

Yo momma musta fallen outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!

If yo momma were on fire, I wouldn't lay an egg on her to put her out!

Most babies were found under a cabbage leaf. Yo momma was found under a stinkweed!

Yo momma smells so bad, even the pig boy avoids her company!

Yo momma's so ugly, she has to sneak up on a glass o' water!

Was yo momma frightened by a warthog when she was carrying you?

Did yo momma lose a bet with an evil magician?

Yo momma's so dumb, even the village idiot won't ask her for directions!

Yo momma's so dull, she can't even entertain a doubt!

Yo momma lights up the room whenever she leaves it!

Yo momma's almost as exciting as a fat lapdog right after dinner!

Yo momma's mouth is so big, she can whisper in her own ear!

Yo momma's so boring, even her own shadow won't keep her company!

If yo momma had a little more sense, she'd be a half-wit!

When yo momma walks in a room, the mice scream and jump on chairs!

Yo momma has the face of a saint. A Saint Bernard!

Yo momma has a very striking face. How many times has she been struck there anyways?

The only way yo momma can broaden her mind is to put it under a wagon wheel!

Yo momma must not be two-faced, 'cause if she had two, why would she be wearing the one she has now?

Is yo momma goin' on a trip? She sure has big bags under her eyes!

Yo momma has a pretty little head. For a head, it's pretty little!

When yo momma's time comes, thousands of people will attend her funeral, to make sure she's really dead!

Yo momma has a face like a flower. A cauliflower!

You and yo momma almost got separated when you were a child. Unfortunately, she didn't wander far enough into the woods!

Didn't I meet yo momma in a nightmare?

Why don't you ask yo momma to go hang around with the village idiot so she has someone to look up to?

Yo momma must be a big cheese. She certainly smells like one!

Thanks for the yo momma jokes Taylor!    Cheers!

More Yo Momma Jokes

Husband Jokes

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , it is where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street..

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Ventriloquist Joke

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a liar.”

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Tiny Little Leprechaun